


These Hands of Mine

by Mickey_99



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Hinata is a good bro, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, Misunderstandings, Polyamory, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, good upperclassman oikawa, suga is mom, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:20:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24702193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mickey_99/pseuds/Mickey_99
Summary: Kageyama attempts suicide and fucks up his hands. His mother has cancer and is dying. He is pretty sure he just got dumped. He is tired.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio/Kindaichi Yuutarou/Kunimi Akira, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 40
Kudos: 467





	These Hands of Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I still think I suck as a writer but I tried hard.

“You might never regain full functionality back in your hands,” The doctor says to me. I stare at the white bandages that were wrapped around my arms,” You’ll still be able to use them. And I bet you’ll still be able to set a volleyball, but you might not be able to do it to the level you did before. Too much use of your hands might cause a lot of pain or a lack of feeling.”

My mother was sat on the couch in my hospital room. Her head was resting in her hands. I could tell she was taking this all very hard. I could see that her form seemed a little frailer and I felt awful knowing I had put my mother through so much worry when she already had to worry about her own illness.

_The illness that was killing her. The only family I had left that actually wanted me._

I turned my head back towards the doctor, unable to look at my mother’s distraught form for much longer. I had had a moment of selfishness. I had tried to kill myself. And now I had fucked up the nerves in my arms so bad that my hands might never work the way they used to again. I had caused all of this.

“Now since this was a suicide attempt,” The doctor says,” I recommend that you remove stress for a little while. Like maybe you finish the rest of the school year from home. I recommend that you take it easy and work on you. This is a good time to let go of any toxic friendships and relationships. Focus on yourself, okay?”

I wanted to laugh at the irony. I was the toxic one that they got rid of. My boyfriends Kunimi and Kindaichi, they couldn’t handle me anymore. I pushed them too hard. I didn’t have friends anymore. That last game solidified it.

_“We won’t play with Kageyama any more coach.”_

_Kageyama. Not Tobio._

I brushed away the thoughts running through my head and nodded at the doctor to show my understanding. The doctor handed my mother the discharge paperwork and soon I was in the car and heading home.

_I feel so alone._

The drive home was quiet, I could tell my mother didn’t quite know what to say. She hadn’t known since I woke up in the hospital. I could see the questions on her face as clear as day. But I knew she didn’t know what to ask.

“Should you… call Kunimi and Kindaichi?” I hear her ask quietly,” I am sure they would love to hear from you. I bet they have been worried. You are dating them after all.”

“Not anymore,” I said quietly. I stared out the window and let the tears fall,” I’m not dating them anymore. We aren’t even friends.”

“Well if you want to talk about it- “

“I don’t,” I said back coldly. My mother was silent after that. I could feel her sadness in waves, and I longed to reach out and hug her. I longed to have that moment with my mother.

But.

_You’re the reason she is so unhappy. If you had never been born her parents would actually try to contact her more often._

I kept my mouth shut. My head rested upon the window of the car. It was raining and to coolness of the outside air chilled the window. I watched as my breath fogged the window. I heard my own sniffles, the side effect of crying. I heard them and I knew my mother heard too. I just wish that I had heard hers.

I stayed home for the rest of middle school. The teachers would have some classmates come to drop off and pickup work from my house. Apparently, it was extra credit for them. None of them actually cared enough to do it without reward. That fact alone hurt more than I’d like to admit.

My mother worked the most hours she could with her failing health. She did her best for me. She would put a smile on her face, help me with the work I needed help with, and she would cook dinner. But at nights I could hear the coughing that came with the cancer that located itself in her lungs. The one that doctors said no treatment would be available for. Sometimes I could see the bloody tissues. The constant coughing had irritated her throat so much that it had bled. In those moments I wanted so badly to escape the reality I lived in. In those moments I wanted so bad to just… to just…

_DIE._

One day, within the last two weeks of school, there was a knock on the door.

“Tobio dear,” My mother called,” Please get the door. I am betting it’s one of your school friends here to drop off your work.”

“Okay,” I shouted back. I threw on a long sleeve shirt. Not that anyone would care, but I didn’t want anyone staring at the long and painfully obvious scars stretching across my arms vertically and horizontally. It really wasn’t a set of questions I wanted to hear.

I walked to the door, unknowingly wriggling my fingerers and making a fist. It had become a habit to constantly stretch my hands. Afterall, they started hurting and losing feeling after the most menial things. But I had found that doing small stretches made them less likely to lose feeling. They still caused my hands to tinge with pain though. But pain was still better than not feeling them at all.

I opened the door; I struggled a bit with closing my hand around the handle. But I eventually got the door opened.

“Well it’s about time,” The person grumbled. And I froze because standing in front of me was Kindaichi and Kunimi. Kindaichi was holding a stack of papers. Most likely my homework. But his other hand was linked with Kunimi’s. I swallowed thickly before stepping aside to let them in.

“I have to go grab my stuff from upstairs,” I said,” Just come with.”

My heartrate spiked slightly as they stepped in the house. The two people who I had fallen for so hard were in my house. The two people I hurt and pushed away were in my house. The two people who now _hated_ my very existence were now in my house.

I gestured for them to follow me up the stairs and we went up to the room. My room was practically bare. Other than the volleyball gear in the corner. I made my way over to the desk.

_Just pick up the stack of papers._

I willed my hands to, please, just do what I want. But unfortunately, they didn’t and as I picked up the papers, I didn’t grip the stack tight enough and they loosely fell from my grasp. I watched in sadness as yet again my hands failed me. The papers fluttered to the ground.

“Sorry,” I mumbled before getting down on my hands and knees and trying again to gather up all the papers. After five minutes of struggling I finally got the papers into a stack. I gripped tighter than I had last time and handed the stack to Kindaichi.

“Here,” He says practically throwing the stack he had brought at me.

I fumbled a bit trying to grasp them. Part of me thanking whatever person along the way that clipped them all together.

“Thank you,” I mutter quietly. I set the papers down again on my desk, before turning to face the two boys again.

They were both staring at me. Kindaichi with a look of anger and betrayal. But Kunimi was staring at me with a look of confusion and knowledge.

“What’s wrong with your hands?” Kunimi asks,” They are shaking.”

I glance down at my hands only to see that he was right. They were shaking.

“It’s cold,” I say quietly.

“You’re wearing long sleeves,” Kindaichi says,” How cold can you be?”

Meanwhile Kunimi was glancing at me. His eyes showed that he didn’t believe a second of my bullshit answer.

“It’s a thin material,” I respond. “You guys should probably go.”

I set the papers down on the desk before gesturing them out of my room.

“Why aren’t you coming to school anymore Kageyama?” Kunimi asks quietly.

I freeze, I didn’t really have an answer.

“He’s taking care of me,” I hear my mother’s voice from down the stairs,” I had surgery recently and my boy has been taking care of me so well.”

I sighed in relief and mentally thanked my mother for not spilling my secrets to my exes. I also mentally thanked her for being so ready with a lie like that. Kunimi seems to nod his head in understanding. Afterall my mother had been having a bad day, and she was having trouble getting around. It looked very likely that she had gone through a recent surgery.

After the explanation, the two seemed to have their curiosity sated. They waved goodbye and left the house. Though the entire time they were putting their shoes on Kunimi was sending questioning glances towards my arms. He did it so much that I had to check I had long sleeves on. Eventually they leave with a wave and in Kindaichi’s case a glare. As soon as the door slammed my mother collapsed to the ground clutching her chest in pain and coughing. I whirled around and caught her before leading her to her room and giving her, her medicine. That night I didn’t sleep as I listened to her soul crushing coughs.

My first day at Karasuno could have gone better. My instinct to just be a dick kicked in before I could stop myself. But it was hard not to do when this little orange spitfire came up to me demanding a toss. A part of me was scared. A part of me was scared to gain a friend only to lose one. Not to mention the toss I wanted to give him. The toss that a player like him deserved, I couldn’t do anymore. Not with my arms screwed to hell.

But even though I pushed the boy away, and even though I told him I wouldn’t set to him with his receives the way they were. The Orange haired ball of energy still tried. I even saw him practicing during lunch. My hands itched to give him a set. My hands longed for the moment in which I could send him a ball that he could slam onto the other side of the court. And so, we practiced and practiced harder.

_I would send him a ball_.

We met Tsukishima, and that meeting seemed to light a fire in Hinata that helped us enormously towards are goal. Then one day during our early morning practice Hinata was doing fantastically at receives. Over and over he dug the ball. His form was absolute crap, but he got there. And he kept getting there. It was like life itself was pulling me towards setting him a ball. And so, I did. And when the ball echoed on the other side of the net I smiled. The smile Hinata gave seemed to light up the whole gym. This little pipsqueak was slowly becoming my best friend.

I pointed at him, “Listen I can’t give you my best sets anymore. It’s not possible. But if you jump as high as you can and run as fast as you can we might figure something out.”

Tanaka, Suga, and Hinata stared at me. “What do you mean ‘can’t’ Kageyama?”

Suga was staring at me with a concerned expression and suddenly I felt a tiny bit scared.

_These guys were my team though. I can trust them._

I yank the long sleeve shirt I practiced in off and I let them see my arms. The horrid scars that ran up and down. Across and side to side.

“I… uh… I fucked up my nerves and tendons when I tried to commit suicide after my last middle school game… There was more to it than just volleyball but… It’s better than it was… but I can’t toss sets like I used to. I’m trying and I am getting there… but sometimes my tosses can’t get there… If I do it for too long, I lose feeling in my hands,” I look at Hinata who now has a look of pure shock on his face,” Bottom line is I need you to fly for me. Because I can’t anymore.”

My fists fall to my sides in defeat and I am about ready to just run out of the gym in defeat. But a small hand grabs onto mine and I look up to see a bright and vibrant smile.

“You toss and I will fly,” Hinata says,” And I will keep getting better and jumping higher. Then one day when you can toss like you used to, I will be in the air already waiting for the ball!”

I feel my eyes grow wide at the trust that the small spiker showed me.

“You know Hinata,” Suga says smiling,” I think you are the type of spiker that setters dream of having.” Suga turns to me,” And Kageyama. I know you probably aren’t ready to open up the rest of the way. But I am proud of you for telling us what you have. That being said, if you need to stop the three on three because of your hands losing feeling, let me know and I will force Daichi to stop the game.”

I nod in wonder and I yelp in surprise when I am pulled into a group hug. Somehow these three people made me trust them, and I don’t even know how they did it.

“Yeah and if you ever need anything you come and talk to your favorite upperclassman,” Tanaka says pointing to himself.

I couldn’t hold back my smile.

The three on three wasn’t long after. My hands were shaking as I warmed up next to Hinata and I was willing them to just stop. Sweat was already forming on my brows. The day was hot, and I was overheating already.

“Kageyama you should take off the long sleeves,” Hinata says quietly,” You are going to overheat if you play in that.”

“I don’t want the blonde asshole to see my scars and comment on them,” I say quietly back. It warmed my heart that Hinata cared but he obviously didn’t see the real problem. Hinata bit his lip.

“I just don’t want you passing out,” He says quietly before reaching out and grabbing my hands. He began massaging my wrist and around the sides, and suddenly the tingling feeling, and tremors were disappearing.

I looked at him in wonder,” How?”

He looks up at me,” Before my dad died, he was a physical therapist. One of his patients had an issue like yours. He said massaging around the wrists and stuff temporarily helped some of the pain or numbness to go away. It’s not a permanent thing by any means but it might help for today.”

I nod my head, shocked that the ginger even knew to do something like this. Hinata smiles and we continue to warm up.

“I think that even though he’s a jerk, he still wouldn’t comment on something like that,” Hinata says quietly. “Besides maybe with all the movement he won’t even notice the scars. Just focus on playing the game. Those scars don’t define you and no one here will force you to talk. Just set to me like you always do.”

I nod as a fluttery warmth settles in my chest. Suddenly I felt a lot better. I wait until right before the game starts to remove my shirt and throw on short sleeves. To me the scars were obvious, but it seemed that everyone else was too caught up in the game to notice anything.

Hinata was struggling. Tsukishima was tall, and Hinata wasn’t able to jump higher than a block that tall. But I couldn’t set any faster. I couldn’t do sets other than the one’s I sent to Hinata. I couldn’t. Tanaka was the only thing keeping our team afloat.

I felt despair creep in. What good was a setter that couldn’t set a ball. My hands were starting to feel numb again. They were cramping up. I looked down at my shoes as Tsukishima began to talk to me. My palms were pressed against my thighs, so my scars weren’t visible except for small little ones that weren’t noticeable except for if you were looking for them.

“Why don’t you give the shrimp one of your king tosses,” Tsukishima is smirking at me, I can feel his smirk from across the net. I feel tears prick at my eyes and I vaguely hear Tanaka telling Tsukishima to shove off.

But then Hinata was there, suddenly he was massaging my wrists. My body angled away from everyone else so that nobody saw the scars.

“Breathe Tobio,” Hinata says. My eyes widen at the use of my given name,” Maybe it’s not that you can’t, maybe its that you are scared to. But I promise you,” Hinata looks me dead in the eyes,” I will hit any toss that comes my way. You are the first actual setter I’ve had. Relax and stop freaking out. Give me a set I can spike.”

I looked into the hard and driven look in his eyes. Maybe he is right. Maybe I just needed to breathe. Maybe I actually could do this. Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I glance up to see Suga standing behind me.

“Hinata has quick reflexes,” Suga says,” I saw your last game you played. And it’s true that it’s the setters job to open a path. But it’s also your job to set a ball the spiker can hit. Maybe your setting back then put your teammates off. But if you adjust a bit. I bet Hinata and you can make a good team.”

I nod my head and look around. I noticed that Daichi had called a water break while we talked. Nobody had heard anything that had been said. I looked at Suga and he gave me a wink.

“Daichi knows to listen to the person who he sleeps with every night,” Suga says smiling.

I feel myself blushing and a small smile graces my faces as suddenly Hinata is hopping around Suga with a giant smile on his face.

“So cool!!!” Hinata shouts,” I am gay too!!! I thought I was like the only one on the team who was gay!!! Back in middle school I was the only one in the school that was gay.”

I laugh thinking about all the gay players I had met before. “Hinata I am pretty sure all they players here are gay,” Suga says smiling.

I nod and Hinata whips his head around in disbelief. He looked ready to say something but Daichi clapped his hands across the gym.

“Alright let’s finish the game,” Daichi says,” I do want to do something other than practice today.”

I heard a snort from Tanaka before he coughed out something similar to Suga’s name. This earned him a glare from our captain.

I took my place next to the net.

_Breathe._

The ball was served.

_Deep breath in._

Hinata received it and the ball went up.

_Deep Breath out._

I willed my hands to do what I wanted as Hinata leaped higher than he had all day. I glanced behind me to where his hand was.

_This timing. This angle. This location._

I set the ball. A quick set. A king set, but yet different. There was a resounding echo through the room as the ball slammed down on the other side of the court. I looked at my hands in shock. They were numb, and the angle was off a little bit. But we did it. My hands were shaking, and I felt tears of pure happiness spring into my eyes. Pretty soon I feel Hinata’s weight jumping on my back.

“I did it,” I say happily. And yeah, my hands were tingling, but I had done it. I felt Hinata grab my wrists and he starts to massage the feeling back into my hands.

“Let’s do it again,” He says happily. And I can’t even contain my nod, but that is when Tsukishima finally speaks up.

“What’s wrong with your hands king?” The blonde asked.

From beside me I saw Hinata whirling around like an attack dog waiting to be released.

“Shut up- “

“Would you let me finish,” Tsukishima says cutting Hinata off and glaring at him,” I want to know what is going on. We are going to be on a team together, if you can’t do certain things without that little trick that Hinata keeps doing, don’t you think we should know? What happens if whatever is wrong happens during a game.”

I find my shoes and glare at them; part of me hoping that if I just stare long enough, this whole situation will disappear.

“I don’t have full functionality with my hands anymore,” I say. My hands are locked behind my back, so nobody could see my scars. “I lost it after the last middle school game I played.”

Tsukishima was glancing at me with a questioning gaze. “Hinata show me how you do that thing that you did.” Tsukishima steps under the net and walks over to us.

“HUH?!” Hinata’s eyes are wide and his mouth is hanging open.

Tsukishima turns his face away from us when he speaks. But there is a red tint to the tip of his ears. “You’re my teammate, right? So, just tell me how to help.”

The whole gym was silent as Tsukishima grabbed my arm and flipped it over. I was too stunned to do anything about it. His eyes saw the scars, and I know this because his eyes glanced up at me. But yet he didn’t say anything. “Hinata are you going to show me how to do this or not?”

Hinata seems to snap out of whatever daze he was in, because now he is standing beside Tsukishima and is instructing him on how to massage the feeling back into my hands.

“What’s the likelihood of full functionality coming back?” He asks continuing along with Hinata’s instructions.

“The doctor said its about 50%, but he also said it would be a while before that time comes.” My eyes were glued to the long fingers that were massaging feeling back into my hands.”

“Well next time you get the urge to fuck up your hands again, come talk to someone. I am sure there are people here who wouldn’t mind in the slightest.” Tsukishima says,” Now I am going to go back to crushing you two losers if you’d excuse me.”

Tsukishima steps back over to the other side of the net. Everyone else in the gym seems to be stuck in a moment of awe or plain confusion. But eventually Daichi gets everyone back into gear and the game begins again. After every point, Hinata comes over and massages the feeling back into my hands. And eventually the two of us win.

Not even 15 minutes after the game ended, I stood in a line with the first years as we were adorned in our new Karasuno jerseys. The moment alone was enough to make me feel incredible amounts of happiness. That was until our club advisor, Takeda-sensei, came running into the gym.

Until he told us that we had a match against Aoba Johsai.

Until he told us that I had to play setter the entire match.

“Are you going to be okay?” Sugawara asks as we walk to the store at the bottom of the hill,” You got really quiet when they said you had to play? If you don’t feel comfortable with playing this game just tell us; I will have Daichi call it off.”

Suga’s hands are on my shoulders and the look in his eye is almost, parental. I shake my head,” No. I am fine. I just dated two of their players at one time. All three of us were dating I mean. I guess I am nervous to see them again.”

“Were they your teammates from last year?” Suga asks with a knowing look in his eyes.

I nodded my head calmly. “Yeah,” I said sadly,” I guess you could say the last game I played with them was a breakup.”

Suga pulls me into a hug,” Well now we have to play them! We gotta show them all how much better off you are with a team like Karasuno!”

He throws an arm over my shoulder and I allow myself to be pulled alongside him as we go to get meat buns. Eventually the rest of the team arrives, and we all laugh and joke about random things. We laugh about something Tanaka says. We laugh more when Suga berates Tanaka for being stupid.

And probably the most influential thing was that Tsukishima didn’t change how he treated me. He didn’t become overly nice and he didn’t become more of an asshole. Though his tone was friendlier now, less venom shot through his voice.

And that small thing made all the difference for me.

Leading up to the practice match, Hinata was a nervous mess. He confided in me and told me it was severe anxiety. But the boy was beyond consolable. He even threw up on Tanaka’s lap on the bus, much to Tanaka’s extreme displeasure, and Hinata’s extreme embarrassment. He almost seemed better once we got off the bus. But once people started to talk about the game and tease him again, he made a beeline to the bathroom, much to everyone’s dismay.

I was following my team to the gym when we ran into Kindaichi. He was talking to another member of his team. I almost wanted to laugh when they insulted Tanaka, and their faces when Tanaka had peeked around the corner oozing bloodlust. Hell, even Tsukishima seemed a bit miffed at their uppity attitude about our team.

“I’m excited to see what type of dictatorship you are running these days, King.” The words were spat with venom, and they were meant to hurt me. They did hurt me. I briefly recognized the fact that Tanaka now seemed to want to rip Kindaichi’s head off. And much to my surprise, Tsukishima seemed to dislike Kindaichi in that moment as well.

“Uh-huh,” I responded keeping my negative emotions at bay. I did my best to ignore how numb my hands were now. Suddenly I was acutely aware of how much I couldn’t feel. I walked away with my team, and I ignored the slaps on my back, and saying how far I’ve come in order to just not get angry.

Hinata didn’t get any better when the whistle was blown. In fact, his panicking seemed to get worse. And slowly I felt my patience growing thin. Because _they_ were watching and laughing. _They_ were laughing at Hinata, a person who had done so much for me since starting high school only weeks before. And Hinata was making it so easy for them. I felt my anger starting to build and build and build.

**_ WHAM!!! _ **

I felt the ball go into the back of my head and almost knock me forward. I had to repress to urge to curse at the pain now echoing through my skull. I spun on my heel and walked in giant strides towards my best friend. Rage now palpable in the air. I made it so my face was only two inches away from him.

“What are you so scared of?” I say,” Is it because the players on the other team are better than you? Because the way I see it, there is nothing scarier than hitting me in the back of the head with the ball.”

“No, that’s my worst nightmare,” Hinata says looking at me like God himself had delivered him a death sentence.

“Good,” I said gesturing to the court,” Now get your head out of your ass and show them why you are _my_ spiker.”

Hinata looks at me with wide eyes before nodding at me slowly. I hear murmurs from the other side of the court. Questioning murmurs. I clenched my fists to ignore the pain that was now coursing through my hands. It was fine. I could make it through this game.

The next set started with a failed spike. I sent the ball to high. My hand had spasmed mid toss. I winced in pain as I watched Hinata miss the ball. His eyes were closed so it wasn’t like he could cover. He landed and there was a moment of silence before I heard Kindaichi speak.

“If you can’t hit those spikes it’s only a matter of time before the King tears you a new one,” Kindaichi say to Hinata, trying to get in his head. Hinata seems shaken for a moment.

_But it hadn’t been his fault._

“That was my bad Hinata,” I said looking at him,” The ball went to high.”

I tried in vain to mimic the way Hinata had so easily brought relief to my hands only to have them grabbed up by said ginger.

“You need to do it right at the base of your palm,” Hinata says. His fingers are adept, and he works his way up my hand,” If it was starting to get bad you needed to tell me.”

I saw the shocked glances from Kunimi and Kindaichi across the net. Neither of them probably were expecting me to let someone touch my hands so casually.

There surprise soon turned into looks of anger and I pushed away the feeling of hurt that came with it.

Finally, Hinata lets go and we ready ourselves for Seijou’s next serve. The next quick we land. Hinata makes a happy noise from where he lands, and he jumps on my back happily.

“We did it!!!” Hinata shouts happily.

I don’t even try to suppress my smile. It wouldn’t have been possible. The game continued until we were at the final set. Suddenly there were loud screams from girls in the audience and my heart dropped. God damnit.

“Tobio-chan!” I hear a voice call out.

Oikawa Tooru. The one person I used to look up to more than anyone else. The one person who I feared on the volleyball court. The one person who hated me more than Kunimi and Kindaichi combined.

I spun around to face Oikawa and reflexively pressed my palms to my sides to avoid showing my scars. No one from the other team had seemed to notice, after all Hinata had helped me cover them up a tiny bit with makeup before we left for the game and he gave into his nervous stomach. Even so the makeup he used was rather sheer, so if you looked hard enough you could see.

Even though I had tried to make my motions as discreet as possible, it seemed that Oikawa had still noticed the action. And I silently cursed myself for bringing attention to my arms.

Even so Oikawa seemed to take it all into stride. He tore his gaze away from the motion and smirked at me.

“Tobio-chan,” he said smiling his fakest smile. One specially reserved for me,” I am so happy to be playing you again. We finally get to see who the better setter is.”

_Obviously, you. My hands barely fucking work._

I nodded slightly before walking away. I didn’t want to stand under his calculating gaze anymore. I didn’t want him to solve the equation that was my brain.

We made it to match point before Oikawa was finally put in the game. His serve got past us two time before Tsukishima finally raised it. It went to Seijou’s side and then got soft blocked by Hinata. I barely had time to recognize him beside me before he was on the other side of the net leaping into a broad jump. His eyes were wide open as I sent him the ball. And I saw him glare at Oikawa before slamming the ball right next to him.

I briefly noted in my head that Hinata had aimed that ball. It was obvious by where his eyes were trained. But the only reason he hadn’t missed the ball was because it was slightly slower than I had meant it to be. And that was because my arms were burning. And my hands felt life knifes were being run through them. I bit my lip and I noted how a small distressed noise had left my lips.

And much to my surprise it wasn’t Hinata but instead Tsukishima that caught me before I collapsed on the ground clutching my arms in pain.

“I thought we told you to let us know if it hurt,” Tsukishima says,” If it hurts and you push it, it will get worse.”

My head fell in shame,” I’m sorry. I wanted to finish the game before they had the chance to put in Oikawa.”

“Yes, I know.” Tsukishima responds,” It’s called you were being stupid.”

I felt cold on my arms suddenly and I realized that I had been sat down on the bench and cold rags were being placed on the pained area. Slowly I felt the pain ebb away and numbness replace it. I was vaguely aware of the looks I was getting from the other team. But I startled when I heard Oikawa’s voice.

“Did he get hurt during the games?” Oikawa asked in his captains voice. “I can take him to our nurse if so.”

Suga looked ready to respond but I answered first,” It’s fine,” I responded,” My physical therapist will probably look at it more tonight.”

I watched as Oikawa’s gaze turned to shock before he quickly schooled it back to his regular façade. “Let me take a look,” He says smiling his charming smile,” I have physical therapy quite often for my knee. I might be able to help.”

“That would probably be best,” I heard Daichi say before pulling people away,” I’ll be honest, we don’t know much.”

Hinata, Suga, Tanaka, and Tsukishima looked ready to protest before Daichi pulled them away. I silently cursed the boy in my head. But I couldn’t curse him for long before Oikawa had my arms in both of his hands.

He stared for a moment in utter shock. The makeup had wiped away with the cold wet rags, and all the scars were fully prominent.

“Holy shit,” He says quietly. There was no joking tone. It was complete and total shock.

I knew why. The scars were horrid. I heard some nurses saying how much overkill it had been. 58 stitches on each arm. The deepest and longest cuts needing stiches. There were more cuts than that though littering my arm until most of my forearm was scar tissue.

“I know it’s disgusting,” I say quietly,” You don’t have to remind me.”

“That isn’t what I was going to say,” Oikawa says. He begins stretching my wrist and rolling it like they did in physical therapy.

“Then what were you going to say?” I ask.

“Well I wanted to ask why. But honestly, I don’t know what to say to this,” He responds.

Behind him the gym is slowly being picked up and put away into the closet. No one is paying us any mind, or at least they aren’t being obvious about it.

“My mom is dying.” I say quietly, and I don’t know why I am telling this to a guy who has always hated me. Maybe it’s how he is staring at me in that moment. Maybe it’s because I have always idolized him. Maybe it was because I was so damn tired of keeping it in,” My father died when I was very young. And she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer in my second year of middle school. Medicine and treatments kept it all at bay for a while, but they aren’t doing anything anymore. If I lose her, I have no one.”

“What about family? Grandparents? Uncle? Aunt?” Oikawa asks quietly. There is genuine concern flicking through his eyes.

I snort,” Yeah, no. They want nothing to do with a bastard child like me. I was conceived during a marriage they didn’t recognize. After my mom dies, I will probably end up living with them, but at that point they will make me get a job. They will make me quit school and volleyball. They never said so explicitly but its clear they think educating me is a waste of time. My existence only ever causes pain. I’ve watched my mom cry over so many calls with her parents. Parents that refuse to see her in person all because I exist. Hell, even Kunimi and Kindaichi started hating me. I hurt them too. My existence is toxic. I ruin everything I touch.”

There are tears in my eyes. My chest burns as I cry. I try my best not to look into Oikawa’s eyes right in front of me.

“Tobio-chan where is your phone?” Oikawa asks quietly. There is something in his voice I had never heard before. Worry? Sadness? Regret?

I pull my phone out of my bag that had been sat down next to me on the bench before my team had left. I watched as Oikawa put his number into my phone.

“Call me anytime you need help, okay?” Oikawa asks. And I felt myself get pulled into a hug. “I know I haven’t been the best person. I definitely have not been a good upperclassmen. But that changes.”

I nod at him. Words lost on my tongue completely. Oikawa hands me back my phone.

“Thank you,” I say taking the phone back.

A smile crosses Oikawa’s face but this time it’s a real one. “Everything will be okay Tobio. Maybe the bad things will happen. But I promise you that there are people here who will ensure everything ends up okay.”

I nod my head. I am holding back tears that are threatening to fall. I throw my arms around Oikawa and a surge of gratefulness courses through my body.

“Thank you.”

I feel him ruffle my hair before he stands back up. “You should probably get back to your team,” He says.

I nod my head before throwing on my warmup jacket and Throwing my bag over my shoulder.

“I’ll message you later,” I say quickly before running out the doors and to the bus.

As I turned the corner outside the gym, I ran smack into Kunimi. I actually ran into him.

“Sorry,” I say quietly.

“It’s fine,” He says,” You should watch where you are going though.”

I nod slightly.

“What were you and Oikawa talking about?” He asks,” I’ve never seen Oikawa be that nice to you.”

“It’s personal,” I said quietly. I winced because we used to be close enough to the point where I would have told him.

There was a silence that passed over the two of us,” Yeah whatever.” He responds before getting up and walking away.

I sit there for a moment trying to shove away the feeling of heartbreak that came every time I saw one of my two exes.

I get up and walk to the bus.

I didn’t text Oikawa that night like I had said I would. In fact, I got rather busy and didn’t text him at all. The first time I messaged him was actually after Karasuno’s first practice game against Nekoma.

“I need to get you to your physical therapy appointment,” My mom said. But her body was wracked with coughs. She leaned back over the toilet and threw up yet again.

“No mom it’s fine,” I say trying to get her to relax. I was wracking my brain for answers when I suddenly remembered the fact that Oikawa could drive. Oikawa already knew about my mom’s situation. I bit my lib contemplating my options. I really didn’t want to make my mother drive around in this state. “I have a friend who might be able to drive me there. Just let me text them.”

My mother seemed to want to argue. Probably thinking something along the lines of, “I am your mother though”. But another round of coughs cut her off. She nodded at me, being unable to form words.

I opened up a new chat with Oikawa.

**_To Oikawa Tooru:_ **

_Hey, it’s Tobio. My mom is sick, and I don’t want her leaving the house in the state she is in right now. Can you please take me to my physical therapy appointment? Its in 30 minutes._

I didn’t have to wait long for a response.

**_From Oikawa Tooru:_ **

_As long as you don’t mind possibly hanging with my team afterwards. I made a bet and lost and now I owe the whole team ramen >_< _

I was about to say no because I really didn’t want to see Kunimi and Kindaichi. I didn’t want to have to explain why I was there. But then I heard my mother’s coughs and I knew I couldn’t drag her out of the house like this.

**_To Oikawa Tooru:_ **

_Please. She is really sick. I won’t be able to convince her to let me walk or take the bus._

**_From Oikawa Tooru:_ **

_I’ll be right over._

I breathe a sigh of relief before turning back to put my mother into bed. She was exhausted and tired. In fact, I felt bad leaving her alone. But I knew she would kill me if I decided to just skip the appointment.

“You can’t leave me Tobio,” She says through her exhausted stupor,” You can’t die on me.”

I have to fight back tears as she drifts off to sleep. Anger courses through me, and I know its not fair to be mad at her.

“You’re the one that’s leaving me,” I say sadly. I write her a note for in case she wakes up while I am gone, and then I left.

When Oikawa got there, I was still crying. I climbed into the front seat in tears.

“She told me I can’t die on her,” I said crying,” She said that to me.”

Oikawa is silent as I cry. He says nothing and just continues to drive. But his presence there was enough for me.

The therapy appointment went well or as well as it had always gone. The therapist testing my grip strength and stretching out my hands. At the end of it though my hands hurt from the exertion I had put them through. The whole time Oikawa stayed with me much in the way that my mother would have.

“Are you sure you are good with going to this?” Oikawa asks,” I can just drive you home.”

“No, I am okay,” I said trying to keep my voice even,” I don’t want you to be late or to waste the gas. Just I don’t want them to know why I tagged along.”

“Don’t worry about that,” Oikawa says flashing me a peace sign,” I’ll just tell them we were practicing together.”

I deadpanned,” And that’s a believable lie how?”

Oikawa pouts,” That’s mean Tobio-chan, are you saying you wouldn’t practice with me.”

I stared straight at him,” Middle school Oikawa-san.”

Oikawa winces, already knowing what I was referring to. “That’s in the past though, besides, I have been mentioning to my team how I wanted to practice with you and your team again sometime. So, it isn’t that unbelievable.”

I shrug, deciding arguing about this would be a lost cause, before stepping out of the car and following Oikawa into the restaurant.

There were many looks of surprise, and I briefly heard Oikawa spit out his lame excuse as to why I was there. Much to my surprise though, none of his team seemed to object to his crazy explanation. Seats were shuffled around. Oikawa was given a seat _next to_ me and Iwaizumi, but in all actuality, Oikawa ended up just sitting on Iwaizumi’s lap.

“Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi says annoyed,” We are in public right now.”

“We can do something more when we aren’t in public then,” Oikawa says flirtatiously.

Iwaizumi flicks him in the middle of the forehead, and I snort as Oikawa begins to complain in a whiny tone. Iwaizumi let’s a small smile grace his features as he turns to me.

“Was he at least nice to you Kageyama?” Iwaizumi asks

“I am always nice Iwa-chan,” Oikawa sputters.

“He was nice… surprisingly,” I say smiling.

Oikawa sputters,” Two minutes with you Iwa-chan and you’ve turned my precious Kohai against me.”

Iwaizumi smirks,” That’s because I am the better upperclassman obviously.”

Oikawa sputters yet again and shouts about how mean Iwaizumi was being. And surprisingly enough the dinner went well. Even if I had two pairs of eyes boring into me the entire time. Eventually everyone got up to leave but something flashed through me as Kunimi and Kindaichi got up. I don’t know what I was thinking. But part of me was just so tired of having those fences broken.

“I’m sorry,” I said bowing to the two people who I still loved more than life itself,” I was awful to the two of you. I understand if we can’t go back to being friends. But I am sorry for how I treated you.”

There was a silence that passed over the remaining people at the table. I heard a snort. And I glanced up.

“Whatever,” Kindaichi says. And he storms away. Kunimi stands there for a moment seeming torn between two paths. I watch as he puts his hands in his pocket.

“You have my number,” He says,” Text me.”

I nod and I watch as he walks out the door after his boyfriend. I felt a flash of hopefulness before I squashed it back down.

_Don’t hope._

Things were steady after that. My friendship with Oikawa linked our two teams together in a friendly rivalry, much like we had with Nekoma. Even when we lost against them the first time. Even when we won against them the second time. Hell, the entire Aoba Johsai team cheered us on in our match against Shiratorizawa. This also meant that I got to see Kunimi and Kindaichi much more often. And though the three of us weren’t back to what we used to be; we were laughing together like friends again after a few months. There were still things left unsaid between us. Things that hung in the air, but none of us wanted to address. But the new bonds helped me forget for a moment about the way my hands didn’t work like I wanted them to. They made me forget about the coughs that wracked my mother’s body at night. I almost forgot about how she was getting _worse._

But life didn’t want me to forget. And I was reminded in the worst way possible when I got home one night and turned to see my uncle standing there. I had just gotten back from the Japan youth training camp. I had just finished my first practice back with Karasuno. Everything had just been fine.

“Your mother has died.” He says. “Get your stuff together. After you finish this year you will be moving to Tokyo.”

Shock filled my body. Pain, regret, anger. I had just kissed my mother this morning. She had been fine, tired but fine.

“How?” I asked.

“She collapsed at work,” He says.

Pain filled my heart and I collapsed onto the ground. That was it, I had just lost everything, and it had been so abrupt. I sat on the ground and I cried.

I called Coach Ukai.

“I am quitting volleyball,” I said quietly before hanging up. Everything in my life had ended just like that.

In the weeks that followed I had to dodge constant questions. I had to dart around my old teammates. I hid on the roof during lunch and I ran home after school. I closed and locked the door to my house, and I ignored the pounding on it by my friends and my teammates. I ignored the constant missed phone calls. I ignored everything, and instead I just cried.

Then one day there was no knock, but instead the turning of the lock. I jolted in surprise off the couch as Kunimi and Kindaichi stood there.

“You never changed the spot where you kept your spare key did you?” Kunimi says smiling sadly. “Please we need to talk. You’re shutting us all out again. This is why we left the first time you know.”

Shock coursed through my body,” You left because I pushed you away?”

“Yeah obviously,” Kindaichi says snorting.

“I thought you had left because I was an awful person,” I say sitting down on the couch.

“No,” Kunimi says quietly,” We left because you refused to talk to us. We knew something was going on but instead of talking to us you shut us all out.”

I felt tears falling down my face. This moment in time just seemed to be collapsing completely. I felt like my entire being was collapsing in on itself.

“My mom died,” I say quietly,” She was diagnosed with cancer my second year of middle school. Now she’s gone. I am going to have to move to Tokyo. They are going to make me get a job instead of going to school. I am going to have to live with people who hate me just for being born.”

Kunimi and Kindaichi knew who ‘they’ were. They had known about my issues with my extended family from back when we were together.

“That won’t happen,” Kunimi says suddenly,” Hinata-san has already talked to the people in charge of placing you. You were never going to go to their place in Tokyo. Your mom had asked Hinata’s mother to take you in, in the event that she died. You’re mother has you taken care of.”

  
This only served to make me cry even more,” She collapsed at work. She probably knew she didn’t have the strength to make it through the day. But she still went. In the end it wasn’t the cancer that got her. It was her taking care of me.” I screamed and cried,” I should have tried harder the first time. I should have made sure. Then she wouldn’t have died.”

My fists were clenched in on themselves and my palms were now bleeding steadily.

“The first time?” Kindaichi says confused,” What the hell are you talking about.”

But I didn’t hear him. The pain in my heart felt immense. There was a pounding in my ears,” Hell,” I said laughing,” I couldn’t even do it right. I fucked up my arms and hands so bad when I attempted that the doctors literally have no clue how to help me. No one fucking wants me. No one ever wants me. And now the on person that wanted me is gone!”

I am screaming, the pain in my heart is screaming too.

“What are you talking about Kageyama?” Kunimi asks quietly. His voice is shaking,” Kindaichi and I have always loved you. We never stopped loving you.”

“But you left me,” I said quietly,” You left me alone.”

“You’re the one who up and disappeared without talking to us,” Kindaichi says angrily,” We never said we wanted to break up. But then you just stopped showing up to school- “

“You left me hanging in the middle of a game- “

“We were trying to get you to see what you were doing to the team- “

“YOU ABANDONED ME!!!” I cried out. My eyes full of fresh tears,” I DISSAPPEARED BECAUSE I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER A SUICIDE ATTEMPT!”

There was a silence that went through the room. It was tense, but at the same time it felt like things were finally laid out. For the first time, things felt entirely fixable.

“You didn’t,” Kunimi says. His eyes full of tears,” Please tell me you didn’t.”

I sank down to the floor. The weight of everything pushing me there.

“I thought I had lost everything after that game,” I said quietly,” I was losing my mom. I thought I lost you too. I didn’t want to lose you. Even now I want you back. And so, I took a kitchen knife to my skin over and over and over until I felt myself losing consciousness.”

I took off my shirt and I showed them my arms. “I fucked up my hands,” I say crying,” I can’t play volleyball without pain.”

I felt Kunimi’s gentle hands grab mine. “That’s why the ginger is always touching your hands,” Kindaichi says with a small laugh,” And here I was jealous the entire time. I thought you two had a thing together.”

I looked at him in confusion but then I was being pulled into a teary kiss with Kunimi.

“Please Kageyama,” He says quietly,” Come back to us. Play volleyball again. I promise you everything will end up okay.”

I sob and collapse into the two people I had thought I’d lost long ago.

[Join the discord](https://discord.gg/ebQ9kg5Q7r)

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.


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